


this is home

by qianflower



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Brainwashing, I try though, I'll add more tags as I see fit, Kidnapping, Lots of Crying, Mental Breakdown, Mild Stockholm Syndrome, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Violence, and guardian, donghyuck has depression, it's rocky in the beginning, jisung has anxiety, lapslock, minimal soft moments, plenty of angst, poor bubs, renjun has anger issues, taeyong & kun are the foster parents, the bad guy is an oc bc i stan teddy bears who couldn't hurt a fly, the other dreamies are foster children, they're really soft, will contain flashbacks, yuta is a teacher, yuta is jaemin's older brother
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2019-10-25 08:06:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17721359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qianflower/pseuds/qianflower
Summary: in which jaemin was kidnapped when he was eight years old and finally escapes almost nine years later.





	1. no longer

**Author's Note:**

> i'll try to add any trigger warnings but it's best to look at the tags. i don't plan to go into explicit detail on any of the abuse but still be safe !!

fear. complete and utter fear coursed through his body.  _ keep running. don't look back.  _

 

every step pained him but there was no way he would stop. he just needed to find something safeㅡsomeone, anyone. he needed safety. 

 

the sound of his footsteps pelting onto the ground resonated in his ears and it was by pure adrenaline that he hadn't collapsed by now. he was way too weak. 

 

his lungs begged him to stop but his mind overrode that thought. he must keep running.  _ run, run, run, don't stop, don't look back _ . 

 

the trees finally thinned out into roads and streets and people. there were so many people, some already noticing his tattered appearance. he was huffing with a sheer look of terror setting his face. 

 

running up to the first person he made contact with, he grabbed the woman with trembling hands. 

 

‘please! please help me! please!’ the woman was startled but nonetheless tried to help. 

 

‘i’m going to call the police, okay?’ she spoke gently but now was not the time for slowness. he gripped her arm a little tighter, unknowingly, his actions weren't his own right now. 

 

‘please hurry! i don't want  **him** to find me. please!’ his voice had shrunk into thick emotion and absolute fear. he couldn't stop the tears from escaping, everything was catching up to him now. 

 

‘what's your name, sweetie?’ thoughts ran around his head, too fast for any comprehension. he couldn't say, could he? his breathing was coming out in gasps now. his chest was on fire. 

 

**he** was coming for him, he knew it. he couldn't. no, he  _ couldn't.   _ he'll know and then it's all over. he didn't want to go back. don't make him go back. 

 

‘it's okay, just breathe. the police are on their way.’ he barely heard the final sentence before his body, at last, gave out. he collapsed right there in the street with everything going black. 

 

ㅡ

 

when he awoke again, the room was so bright his eyes burned as he opened them. the smell was suffocating and it was cold.  _ so  _ cold. 

 

once his eyes adjusted, he bolted upright. pupils dilating and searching back and forth. he didn't know where he was. is this  _ safe _ ? please. please. please. 

 

that's when a person appeared. they were wearing green scrubs and carrying a clipboard. it was a woman. 

 

he had to be safe. right? he's never seen this person before.  **he** never had a woman with him. so he's safe. 

 

‘hi there. i’m sooyoung. i’m a nurse, you're at a hospital right now. do you remember how you got here?’ she questions politely. 

 

so he thinks. he doesn't remember anything after. . .he escaped. he made it out alive. he's in a  _ hospital.  _

 

‘iㅡi want. . .’ his voice hurts. he's afraid and he doesn't even know why. 

 

‘hyung. i want hyung.’ he finally manages to get out. he wants to see his hyung  _ right now _ . it's been so long. please, let him see his hyung. he wants it so bad. 

 

‘what's your name? i can't find your hyung if i don't know your name.’ sooyoung prods, hoping to get an answer. this is important. 

 

he's torn. he wants his hyung, but he hasn't said his name in forever. he's not supposed to. he shouldn't even have a name. he's nothing. he bites his lip again and again. what should he do?

 

‘you can't tell. promise you won't tell!’ he’s so scared. it physically hurts him. 

 

‘i promise i won't tell.’ sooyoung assures the frantic boy. machines in the background are close to going crazy. he needs to calm down before he passes out again.

 

‘. . .j-jaemin. my name is na jaemin.’ it feels so good to say that. so  _ so  _ good. 

 

‘okay, jaemin, if you wait in here, i’ll go find your hyung. is that alright?’ 

 

‘yes. but you have to come back.’ sooyoung agrees and then jaemin is alone again. except this time, he doesn't mind. 

 

he's free. so free. he escaped. he actually freaking escaped. he has a name. 

 

his name is na jaemin. he went missing eight years ago. he's been waiting for this day to come. 

 

and it finally did. 

 

ㅡ

 

‘open your books to page 112. i think that's where we left off, correct?’ na yuta directs to his class of senior students. 

 

some drone an answer while others are silent. he's used to these responses. it's monday morning and no one wants to be sitting in a.p. literature reading some boring book written by a guy who's been long dead and gone. 

 

‘i hope you guys annotated the next three chapters as that was last night's homework assignment. remember that annotation is a big part of your final grade.’ yuta spills the usual while turning to his own notes in his copy. 

 

‘so, did anything stand out to anybody in this passage? we've seen a slow build in terms of plot structure but some of you predicted that was about to change. thoughts?’ he stares on at the kids in front of him. 

 

yang jeongin raises his hand. yuta calls on him. 

 

‘i think that the mention of the painting was pretty important. i mean, that is what this whole book is about anyways.’ yuta nods, glad someone was paying attention to the details. 

 

‘good job, jeongin. someone else: why did the author decide to put the painting in this particular part of the book?’ he hears pages flipping and pencils scratching. 

 

the phone rings. 

 

yuta finishes his thought as he reaches over to answer it, ‘do you agree with this placement?’ 

 

‘yes?’ he expects to hear, yoojin, the school secretary. however, it's not yoojin. 

 

‘this is detective johnny seo from the department of missing persons. am i speaking to. . .nakamoto yuta?’ 

 

his heart stops.  _ no. no. no.  _

 

‘umㅡum, yes, this is he.’ his hand shakes.

 

‘i’m calling because we believe we found jaemin.’ and yuta feels his eyes prick with tears. he always knew this day would come. it was just a matter of time. after 24 hours, jaemin was as good as dead. 

 

‘alive, mr. nakamoto. we're still running dna tests but we have him here  _ alive. _ ’ 

 

‘iㅡwhere?  _ where  _ is he? can i see him? where is he?!’ yuta drops the book he had been holding open, urgently standing up. 

 

he finds out that jaemin is at a hospital, two hours away. his heart tears when he realizes how close he's been. for almost nine years he's been just a car ride away. 

 

yuta then remembers his students. they're staring at him worriedly and that's when yuta notices he's crying. the tears flowing without his knowledge so freely. 

 

‘i’m sorry, i have to leave. i’ll find someone to watchㅡto watch over you.’ he dials the front office as fast as possible. 

 

‘i need someone to watch my class. i have to leave  _ now. _ ’ 

 

‘yuta, is everything alright?’ yoojin, it's actually her this time, asks when she hears the emotion-filled voice from the other end.

 

yuta laughsㅡhe doesn't know whyㅡbefore replying with so much happiness, ‘they found him. he's alive!’ that's all yuta can say, so he hangs up to gather his things. 

 

‘yuta?’ he turns his head momentarily to recognize moon taeil, another teacher and one of his close friends. 

 

‘they found him, taeil, i have to go. he'sㅡhe needs me. jaemin  _ needs  _ me.’ he grabs his bag after stuffing his belongings inside, phone in hand.

 

‘okay, go! i got your classes, don't worry. be safe!’ taeil pushes yuta out of the classroom and that's when his legs register he needs to run.

 

he can't get there fast enough it seems. he's waited eight years. eight  _ fucking  _ years of guilt and depression. of the unknown and burning questions. of the false alarms every time a body is found. 

 

and all that matters is that he's alive. 

 

he made it back to him. 


	2. wake up

‘sooyoung?’ johnny seo calls for the said woman who was busy looking over a patient’s chart. the two had been close since johnny was a rookie detective which was a few years ago.

 

‘ah, johnny! i was hoping it would be you they dispatched.’ sooyoung set the clipboard down on the counter to greet johnny and his partner, jung jaehyun.

 

‘The original detective retired last year and lives in the bahamas now. we were the next best thing.’ sooyoung nods at the explanation. johnny and jaehyun were notorious in their division as they had cracked several tough cases that had previously been labeled “cold".

 

‘so, how’s the victim? were you able to get anything out of him?’ jaehyun preceded to fish a small notebook out of his coat pocket.

 

‘other than his name, he kept asking for “his hyung". he's traumatized, i know that much. he kept looking around the room and, gosh, the look on his face. he was absolutely terrified.’ sooyoung shook her head. cases like these were difficult to keep a level head. you just lost all hope for humanity.

 

‘in terms of health wise, the boy's been through a lot. several injuries that didn't heal properly, cuts, burns, bruises. he's deficient in vitamin D, probably kept in a dark room for long periods of time. he's malnourished and dehydrated, among other things.’ the detectives nod, predicting as much.

 

‘are there any signs of sexual abuse?’ johnny questions next. he needs to know what kind of criminal he's working with.

 

‘poor thing wouldn't let the doctors check. he worked himself in such a panic, we had to sedate him. his guardian is on his way and we'll need his consent before we try again. but if i had to guess, the answer's yes.’

 

johnny sighs, ‘unfortunately, that's how these cases work. is he awake for questioning?’

 

‘he’ll probably be awake in half an hour. the sedative was a tad strong. he may be seventeen, but his body is way underdeveloped. it's like that of a twelve year old.’ sooyoung could tell that the recovery process was going to be an uphill battle. jaemin was nowhere near where he should be. she didn't even want to know what happened to him. it was clear to see that nothing good occurred during those eight years.

 

‘i guess we'll wait here for his guardian to show up and then see if we can catch this son of a bitch before he goes off the grid for good.’ johnny hugs the woman again, ‘thanks, sooyoung.’

 

‘of course. good luck.’ she bows to jaehyun, who reciprocates the action. it'll be a long day ahead.

 

‘we’ll definitely need it.’

 

ㅡ

 

‘what the hell is going on?’ mark lee demands when he finally finds someone from his friend group. his heart is beating quickly in his chest. he feels sick. _tell me this isn't a joke, please._

 

it's donghyuck. and he's crying.

 

‘iㅡi don't know. mark, i don't know what to believe. he's supposed to be dㅡ _dead_.’ his eyes are red and puffy. he's sat down up against one of the columns of the courtyard.

 

mark feels his hands start to shake. he can't hold his bag anymore, it falls with a thud against the concrete. his own tears well up.

 

his breath hitches, ‘hyuck, no, this is just a stupid _joke_. okay, some idiot freshman found out about him and is playing aㅡplaying a prank on us. it's just like four years agoㅡ’ he's interrupted by lee jeno, who grabs his sleeves tightly. they're both choked by tears.

 

‘mark, _mark_! listen to me: this isn't a joke. it's all over the news and doyeon from yuta hyung’s second period said that he got a phone call and then ran out of the classroom. heㅡhe kept saying “they found him, he’s alive!”’ that's all it takes for mark to give out, sobs taking over.

 

people are looking at them. they've always been looked at anyways. they're the friends of the boy that went missing. of the boy who was dead because how could almost nine years go by and he not be?

 

the counselor comes by and somehow gets the group into her office. somewhere along the way, jisung, chenle, and renjun join them.

 

renjun hasn't said a word. a tear hasn't spilled. he doesn't understand why he's mad. jisung's confused. chenle’s frozen. none of this seems real.

 

the next thing they know, taeyong and kun are there. they're dishevelled and it's obvious they came here as soon as they knew.

 

‘hey, it's okay.’ taeyong comforts jisung when he turns around for a hug. the dam breaks and, at once, the latter's flooded with mixed emotions.

 

‘ _can we see him? where is he?_ ’ chenle speaks in chinese to kun. he only really used his native language in serious situations when the tongue can't be bothered to find the words in korean. this would be one of those times.

 

‘ _he's at the hospital right now. yuta hyung left about an hour ago, so he should be there soon. we're going to take you guys right now. i'm not sure when you'll be able to see him, but at least you'll be there. he's been through a lot, lele, it'll take some time._ ’ kun replies, rubbing comforting circles along both chenle and renjun's backs. he knows it overwhelming for all of them.  

 

‘ok, ok, let's go then.’ chenle finds his bearings enough to respond in korean now. he's ready to be there for his jaemin hyung.

 

they all are.

 

ㅡ

 

his car wouldn't drive fast enough. time ticked by slowly. yuta's waited almost nine years, you'd think he could wait an hour longer. but he can't. the mere knowledge that jaemin is so close, _alive_ , is enough to make him impatient. it has to be now. he can't take another moment without his brother in his arms, safe and sound.

 

eventually though, the hospital comes into view. he runs. he asks several waiting desks for the patient _na jaemin_ and he finally finds the one he's searching for, the pediatric wing. he feels stupid. of course jaemin would be in the pediatric wing. he's a child. yuta has missed so much of jaemin's life. it stings.

 

‘mr. nakamoto?’ he hears a familiar voice call his name and it clicks in his brain that it's the man from the phone call. the best phone call of his life.

 

‘it's na now, but yes i’m yutaㅡjaemin’s legal guardian.’ he greets the detectives earnestly.

 

‘before you see jaemin, we need to ask you a few questions. he's still sedated anyways, and it'll take a couple of minutes.’ jaehyun informs yuta, who doesn't like the sound of having to wait when it comes to jaemin. however, he realizes this is imperative and agrees.

 

‘we would like to start from the beginning. can you explain to us how jaemin went missing?’ the tiny notebook is out again in jaehyun's hands. the worn paper crinkling slightly under the depth of the pen.

 

‘uh, yeah,’ yuta pauses. this has never been easy. he's told the story a thousand times before, yet it never came out naturally. it doesn't feel like he's repeating the same wordsㅡeven though he is. yuta relives the events all over again whenever he's asked, the pain feeling fresh each time .

 

‘our parents died a few months prior to jaemin disappearing, car accident. i was eighteen at the time and decided to care for jaemin as we had no other immediate family.’  jaehyun nods along, remembering these details from when he overlooked the case file.

 

‘it was june 7th, 2009. one of jaemin's friends was having his birthday party that day and jaemin was supposed to go. i had been struggling with, um, finances. it caused me to work two jobs, long hours. my boyfriend had been watching him while i was working the night shift. i’d gotten home at five in the morning and i was so tired. i was sleeping when jaemin woke me up to take him to the birthday party.’ yuta sighs. he hates this part.

 

‘donghyuck only lived a block away. you could practically see the house from our living room window. so, i told him to walk there. i thought he'd be fine; he's done it before. it wasn't a big deal. except, when i received a call that he never made it.’ yuta blinks back tears. he hates himself for that one moment where he messed up everything. he'd been so tired and the words just slipped off his tongue.

 

‘thank you, mr. na. we still have questions that need answering, but you've waited long enough to see your brother.’ johnny can see the guilt running through the man's face in front of him. he doesn't want them to be apart any longer.

 

all yuta can do is shake his head. he suddenly has so much fear coursing through his veins. how will jaemin look? will he blame yuta? will he even recognize him?

 

‘this way.’ jaehyun motions for yuta to follow and he does, unsurely. they walk down a long corridor and take a few turns before yuta is face-to-face with a door. he knows jaemin is on the other side. he doesn't think anymore. he just grabs the handle and turns.

 

the lights had been dimmed but, nevertheless, yuta sees him. he's the smallest thing, barely taking up half the bed. yuta already sees the bruises and cuts peeking out of the hospital gown he's in. it takes all yuta has to choke back the sob threatening to break out of his throat.

 

his face should be peaceful in his sleep, but it's not. his eyebrows are scrunched up and his mouth forms a frown.

 

yuta goes and sits down in the chair next to the bed. he reaches for the limp hand by his side but the moment yuta's fingers touch the skin, jaemin's eyes are snapping open and he's ripping the appendage away.

 

he clutches himself in a tight ball before hesitantly glancing up. his hair hasn't been cut in awhile because his eyes can barely be seen through the curtain of hair covering them.

 

yuta sees the moment of recognition play through jaemin's features. he slowly unwraps his arms from around himself and he began to cry. he reaches for yuta and that's when the latter's heart shatters in pieces.

 

‘hㅡ _hyung_?’ he gasps. yuta wastes no time in complying to the request with his own tears spilling out.

 

‘it's hyung, jaemin-ah, it's really me. i'm here and you're safe. hyung's so sorry. he's so sorry.’ yuta tries not to squeeze the younger too much but jaemin doesn't seem to mind. he burrows into his stomach, heart wrenching cries escaping jaemin's mouth.

 

‘iㅡi missed you so much, minnie. can you say something for me? please, i need to hear your voice.’

 

it takes a few seconds for jaemin to get his mouth to answer with the sobs taking over his body. he doesn't even know what to say. he's so happy but, at the same time, sadness is all he feels. it claws at his chest and he struggles to make it go away.

 

‘i. . .please don’t go.’ it comes out the saddest whimper yuta's ever heard and he wasn't sure his heart could break any more but it does. it does and it hurts yuta so much. how could someone hurt the precious boy in front of him? how could someone steal his innocenceㅡpractically his whole freaking life?

 

‘i'm not going anywhere, okay, i promise.’ yuta cradles the boy, whispering reassurances in his ear. it's clear he needs it.

 

‘pinkyㅡpinky promise?’ jaemin croaks, holding his pinky out. yuta smiles a little at the question. he's reminded of the eight year old boy he used to know. that hurts even more.

 

‘i pinky promise. i'll never leave you and i’m so sorry i was irresponsible that day. i shouldn't have let you go by yourself. i shouldn't have left you alone. i'm so sorry, jaemin.’ the boy grasps yuta's pinky finger, tangling it with his own _much_ smaller one.

 

‘s'kay.’ jaemin mumbles. because he never blamed him. he never once blamed yuta for any of it. in fact, it's the memory of his strong, older brother that gave him to will to escape. he held on to his superhero and made it out alive.

 

ㅡ

 

jaemin tired himself out after that. yuta kept his promise, comprehending just how important it was after he tried to sit back down in his seat, only disconnecting their hands for a split second, and jaemin having a panic attack. jaemin wouldn't calm down until yuta crawled in the bed with him, holding him close.

 

yuta wasn't for sure what all transpired in the time that jaemin was missing. his mind was running the same, terrifying circles. he tried to hold onto the hope that perhaps it wasn't as bad as his mind was making it out to be. however, one look at the boy in his arms and all optimism collapsed in a heap.

 

yuta grabbed his phone out of his pocket, careful not to awaken jaemin. the latter appeared more peaceful this time around from the first time yuta had seen him sleeping. his features were lax and his eyes fluttered every once in a while.

 

opening up his messages, yuta sent a quick text to his boyfriend, sicheng. he'd informed the other in a rushed call of the situation as he was trying but failing to abide by the speed limit. sicheng was overjoyed, to say the least.

 

sicheng had been close with jaemin. he babysat the younger when yuta was busy with work. they'd binge-watch _disney_ movies and sing along to every song together. they baked cookies for yuta and played hide and seek. jaemin had adored sicheng and the older definitely felt the same way. it broke his heart when jaemin ended up disappearing. sicheng shouldered his own piece of guilt for years.

 

you'd think that jaemin's disappearance would have torn the couple apart, when in fact it brought them closer. after a few months, the case was cold and the general public lost interest. it seemed that yuta and sichengㅡalong with their friendsㅡwere the only ones still searching for jaemin. and when practically everyone simultaneously determined jaemin was dead, the couple refused to admit that.

 

they kept jaemin's spirit alive in their home. they weren't the type to leave his bedroom just as he'd left it. no, but they instead updated it every year to fit the growing image of jaemin. he wasn't an eight year old anymore and it wasn't right to leave his room as some sort of shrine. jaemin wasn't _dead,_ he didn't need a memorial. he needed a place to come home to. he needed something that fit him like nice, comforting deep blue sheets or abstract pieces of art. he didn't need race cars and legos cluttering the place.

 

the two hung up his stocking every year at christmas and set a plate for him at the dinner table every night. that was all sicheng. he believed if he didn't act like the boy never existed, then he'd come back. as if jaemin would come barreling down the stairs and slump at the table, stuffing his face with all sorts of food because he's a growing boy, of course. that sicheng would get to drop him off at lacrosse practice and clap exceptionally loud at his academic team competition. or the three would cuddle on the couch on a saturday night and watch _the labyrinth_ with extra buttery popcornㅡjust how jaemin liked it.

 

sicheng's assuming it all worked because jaemin's back and now all of his dreams can be fulfilled. they've missed out on eight years of jaemin's life, but sicheng's determined to not let any more slip through his fingers. he's going to love jaemin until his last breath. it's what the boy deserves.

 

yuta hears a knock and is introduced to jaemin's nurse, choi sooyoung. jaemin doesn't stir.

 

‘i'm sorry to bother you guys, but it's really important that the doctors do a complete check of jaemin. they were able to only document some of his injuries, but jaemin wouldn't let the exam go further. it'll only take a second and shouldn't even hurt.’ she whispers quietly to yuta and it dawns on him just what sooyoung's implying. he almost wants to throw up.

 

‘yeah, i'll try to talk to him.’ yuta eventually responds. sooyoung excuses herself with the notice that the doctor would be back in half an hour to hopefully finish the kit. yuta huffs out a desperate breath first, unsure of how to explain this to jaemin.

 

‘jaemin. . .’ yuta nudges the younger softly. he really doesn't want to scare him. it takes a few more attempts before the younger groggily opens his eyes. his big brown orbs stare up at yuta and that same thought plays out in his head: how could someone hurt this precious boy?

 

‘the doctors need to look at you again. it won't hurt, promise. they just need to make sure you're okay.’ he notices how jaemin's eyes still and he feels the younger's whole body tense.

 

‘i'll be here the whole time if you want me too.’ yuta adds in hopes that jaemin would be convinced. he's not so sure right now.

 

‘oㅡokay, but you can't leave! don't leave. i don't want to be alone anymore.’ yuta couldn't deny the boy even if he tried.

kim ryeowook does come on time, pulling a pair of blue gloves along his hands as he describes just what's going to happen. it's meant to soothe both jaemin and yuta but if anything, it scares the boy even more. he doesn't like the sound of _any_ of this. especially not when yuta climbs down from the bed to stand next to it instead. jaemin wants his hyung close. he feels safer that way. his hyung wouldn't be able to leave him without his knowledge.

 

as ryeowook comes closer, jaemin begins to panic. he grips yuta's hand tightly and a string of pleas stream from his mouth.

 

‘shh, it's okay, jaemin. he's not going to hurt you.’ yuta aims to console but it falls short on the other's ears. ryeowook takes a step back to allow jaemin to calm down. the last thing the doctor wants is to cause his patient even more trauma, but this test is essential to make sure jaemin doesn't have any underlying issues that need to be taken care of.

 

jaemin _hates_ this. it's just like last time. he doesn't want to do this anymore. _please don't make him._ he begs until his throat is sore and attempts even afterwards.

 

‘want tokki!’ he repeats himself several times, stuck in his own little world. tokki has always made it easier to get it over with. _please give him tokki_.

 

‘jaemin, who's tokki?’ yuta wants to cry too. it sucks to have to watch someone you love dearly be in _so_ much pain. if yuta feels like his hand is going to fall off, he doesn't say a word.

 

‘bunny, he's my bunny! he helps me not to be beㅡto be scared. wan’ him. please, please, please! i'll do anything!’ jaemin fists the hem of yuta's shirt with white knuckles.

 

ryeowook steps in, ‘jaemin-ah, i might not have tokki, but i have something close. you can even choose.’’ he brings out a few options of plushies for jaemin to pick from. it's from his experience working in pediatrics that abused children will most likely calm down when given the choice to decide their form of comfort.

 

jaemin maybe be seventeen, but his mentality was surely that of someone much younger. it wasn't his fault as he'd been socially isolated at eight years old and forced to live with a pedophile for almost nine years. that did things to a child's brain.

 

jaemin ends up picking a _pororo_ stuffed animal, successfully pacified. he holds the plushie near to his chest, still encasing his hand into yuta's larger one. with this, the exam continues. jaemin doesn't speak during the entire procedure, letting ryeowook run through his tests unperturbed.

 

when it's all said and done, a tray of food is brought in from the cafeteria. jaemin visibly brightens at the prospect of a warm meal. he doesn't reach for any of it though. yuta urges him but jaemin still appears hesitant.

 

‘i bet it's really good. do you want me to test it first?’ jaemin nods his head a few times. yuta laughs and leans over to take a sip of the broth. it's mediocre but better than some things he's eaten before so he imitates a good reaction as if he's just tasted gold.

 

jaemin subsequently picks up the spoon and takes his own experimental sip. he must have settled on it tasting delicious because he commences to pick up the bowl and gulp it down. yuta can't help the grin forming on his face as some of it spills down jaemin's chin.

 

yuta grabs a napkin a gently wipes the juice away. jaemin has his own smile plastered on his face, his adorable dimple making an arrival.

 

this is what yuta's missed. he missed caring for his little baby brother. he missed seeing such happiness and joy characterized in jaemin.

 

he doesn't know how the future will play out, but yuta's glad that he finally has jaemin beside him to watch it unfold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to all who have already read the first chapter !! :))
> 
> edit; i fixed that weird numbering that accidentally happened lmao im sorry hehehe


	3. another world

the detectives came back the next day. 

 

had it been an ideal situation, they would have interviewed jaemin that same day he was admitted. they would have all the answers they needed to find the monster who was responsible. 

 

it wasn't ideal, however. jaemin was still shaken by the exam and hasn't said a word since. he just clutched the  _ pororo  _ plushie in his hand and stared off into the distance. it was alarming to yuta, but there was nothing he could do. this was how jaemin coped, it seemed. when they were able to return back to the little beach town yuta called homeㅡand wanted jaemin to as wellㅡhe would find jaemin a therapist who could hopefully teach him a better way to heal. 

 

the next morning, after a fitful sleep for the both jaemin and yuta, johnny and jaehyun began their questioning. 

 

‘we would wait, but it's essential to know everything we can because  **he's** still out there. we want jaemin, and other boys, to be 100% safe.’ johnny explained. they didn't want to cause anymore pain to jaemin but he was their only witness. he had all the answers. 

 

‘as long as jaemin's okay with it and he can stop at anytime.’ yuta checked over jaemin to see any sign of discomfort but didn't find much. he couldn't tell if that was good or not. 

 

‘of course. we want this to be as easy as possible.’ with that, all eyes were on jaemin as jaehyun asked the first question. 

 

‘jaemin, can you tell me how you escaped?’ jaehyun tried to be as gentle as he could. he knew this wasn't going to be a simple play through for jaemin. this was rehashing all the suffering that occurred in eight years. it's going to take some time. hopefully, they could afford that. 

 

‘i was mean. appa let me out of my room when  **he** left for the store. it was the second time.’ he stares at the crisp white sheets underneath him. 

 

‘appa? is that what you called  **him** ?’ johnny’s heart hurts already. this case was messed up and all he could think about was that he needed to find this guy. immediately. 

 

‘hmmm.’ jaemin picks at the loose thread of the thin blanket. it's blue. light blue. it reminds him of his own. he left it behind. it brought him comfort for years though. 

 

‘i thought the back door would be locked, but it wasn't. i just wanted to look at the flowers in the garden.  **he** always talked about them.’ jaemin's voice had a watery tone and it started to shake. he kept talking though. it was as if once he opened his mouth, he couldn't stop it from spilling. 

 

‘they were so pretty. then appa was back.  **he** yelled at me and it was scary. i ran. i could hear  **him** and  **he** was so mad. i dropped tokki. i-i-i went to pick him back up but appa was right there.’ he's full blown crying by now. 

 

‘appa grabbed my arm but i bit  **him** . it was mean! i-i-i-i couldn't get t-tokki! i had to keep running! i left tokki behind! i'm such a bad friend!’ jaemin holds the  _ pororo  _ plushie tighter at the memory. yuta rubs his back soothingly, at a lost of what to do. 

 

‘do you need a break, jaemin?’ someone asks but jaemin isn't for sure who. he has his head buried in his knees and all he can hear is his own tears. 

 

‘nㅡno. want to help.’ jaemin rises up and wipes his face frustratingly. yuta has to grab his hand to prevent him from clawing at his skin. 

 

‘okay, what can you tell us about appa? what does he look like?’ johnny tries again. 

 

jaemin doesn't answer for a second. johnny thinks he might not have heard the question, but then jaemin's reaching for jaehyun's notebook. confused, jaehyun hands the book over anyways. ten awkward minutes later, jaemin finished with his picture and was gently laying it at the foot of his bed. 

 

it's a detailed drawing of the said man. the detectives are startled by the sheer artistic ability on the paper below them. it's even better than some of the sketch artists that work for their station. johnny excuses himself with the drawing in hand to get it out on all media outlets. 

 

‘thank you, jaemin. this is really helpful to our case. you did a great job.’ and jaehyun means those words. he didn't expect to get such a fantastic lead out of jaemin, not to be rude or anything. johnny and jaehyun have worked cases like this one before many times and getting any information is as if pulling teeth. therefore, his expectations of the questioning weren't high. jaehyun might be pushing his luck, but he continues. 

 

‘do you remember where you were kept?’ 

 

‘a house. pretty house. with red shutters.’ jaemin picks through the blurry image and grabs whatever details he can. he only saw the outside a handful of times and most of the time he was too distressed to even dare steal a peek. he doesn't know how to say that though to jaehyun, so he doesn't. 

 

‘was it in a neighborhood? do you remember anything noticeable like a landmark or something special about the area? was there mountains or a body of water?’ johnny returns during that moment and settles back down into his seat. 

 

‘can't remember. i stayed inside. at first, appa put me in the basement. after awhile,  **he** gave me my own room.  **he** got me tokki then and strawberry milk. everytime **he** left,  **he** would bring back a toy to say sorry. count the tick marks ‘til  **he** comes back.  **his** footsteps are loud.  **he'll** come back.’ he's biting his nails now. he's spacing out. they're losing him. 

 

‘so you never left the house?’ johnny speaks this time. it comes out garbled in jaemin's ears. his brain is rushing too fast for him to grasp any coherent thoughts. 

 

‘ **he'll** come back.  **he'll** come back. count the tick marks ‘til  **he** comes back. one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven. . .’ yuta looks over to the detectives. it's a silent conversation but it's agreed that jaemin's had enough for the day and he needs rest. they excuse themselves quickly. 

 

jaemin's still counting and yuta's only ever felt this helpless in the moment he realized he probably would never see his brother again. 

 

return was one thing, but recovery was a whole new level. and yuta didn't know what to do. he didn't know how to help. it stung. 

 

ㅡ

 

the boys had arrived the previous day but hadn't been able to see jaemin. he had been worn out and the boys understood that. sicheng, taeyong, and kun had taken the group to a nearby hotel to stay the night. 

 

they returned the next morning eager to visit the missing piece in their group. gosh, it had been  _ so  _ hard. eight years of diminished hope, tears, and fears. they had been guarded, unable to live like normal children. no one wanted another to slip between their fingers. 

 

jeno was excited, for a lack of a better word. he had been extremely close with jaemin when they were little. he was his best friend. they went and did everything together. jeno had cried for exactly three weeks and then never shed a tear againㅡthat was until he heard the rumor that jaemin had been found. it had worried taeyong to no end. obviously, jeno wasn’t dealing with his emotions. he ran from them. 

 

all the boys had gone through therapy. it worked for some: chenle, jisung, donghyuck. but for others like mark, jeno, and especially renjun, it just created new emotions. one in particular was anger. renjun had been engulfed in anger. he'd gotten into fights at school and refused to participate in class. he acted out in every situation possible. red hot flames burning him from the inside out. 

 

kun was the only one renjun would allow to see him break down completely. like the time when thirteen-year-old renjun had accidentally broke the friendship bracelet jaemin made him when they first met. jaemin had made him promise to never take it off and that's exactly what renjun did. so when it got caught on something and the thin wire snapped, letting all the beads fall unceremoniously in different directions onto the floor, renjun had never screamed louder.

 

taeyong was the first who had busted into the room to find renjun grasping at the fallen beads in a panic. when he attempted to comfort him, renjun had gone ballistic. he was yelling in chinese, tearing things down from his walls, and breaking glasses off his desk. he kicked and swung when taeyong tried to stop him. renjun hadn't actually cried until kun came in and took over the situation. he had struggled to hug the younger boy and when he finally succeeded, that's when renjun fell to a heap. heart-wrenching wails filling everyone in the house's ears.

 

it had taken over an hour to calm the boy down. mark had come in and grabbed the beads off the floor at some point. over the course of the next week, the rest of the boys had worked to put it back together as close as possible. renjun was beyond grateful. 

 

there were several of those moments over the course of almost nine years for each of the them. they hoped that none of that would happen now that jaemin was back. they didn't want to shed anymore tears. 

 

sicheng informed everyone of the text he had received that morning saying that jaemin was being questioned at the moment but might be up for visitors later. no one protested in waiting and that's what they did. 

 

it had been close to four hours of sitting in uncomfortable chairs reading three-year-old magazines and watching some soap opera on a tiny tv screen at least eight feet away. 

 

it was a literal godsend when yuta walked into the dreary room. ‘hey, guys. the questioning is over for now.’ he managed to find a smile somewhere but anyone could tell the morning hadn't been a walk in the park. 

 

‘are you okay?’ sicheng asked as he, too, noted the obvious distress upon the older's face. he was pulled into a side hug. 

 

‘yeah, im fine. it's just. . .he's so hurt. iㅡi, of course, thought of the unimaginable but nothing prepared me to hear his broken voice or see the trauma first hand. i don't know how to help him.’ yuta was afraid. it was an unspoken feeling capturing the room. 

 

they expected everything to fall back into the routine it was like eight years ago. no one really thought about how damaged jaemin would be. they couldn't. it hurt too much. it was reality now though. they had to face it. 

 

‘it's that bad?’ mark shuddered at the mere idea. how much had jaemin gone through? 

 

‘the man he was with. . .i'm not getting a good image. from what i've heard from jaemin,  **he's** messed up.  **he** messed jaemin up.’ yuta can't go further. he doesn't want to think about that. he doesn't want to know but, at the same time, he does. he can't decide. 

 

‘shit.’ someone mutters. 

 

‘i’m more unsettled with the fact that that monster is still out there. he deserves to be locked up for the rest of his life in a cold, dark cell.’ kun spats, the anger getting to the normally collected man. 

 

‘jaemin was able to provide the detectives with a sketch of the man, so hopefully someone will notice him or turn him in. i don't know. there's officers stationed outside his room and one monitoring the security cameras looking for anything suspicious. the nurse was changing his iv but she should be done by now.’ yuta's rambling but so much is going on that that's the best he can do at the moment. no one seems to mind.

 

‘can we see him?’ jeno perks up with so much hope. he's itching to land eyes on the boy. he needs to make sure this isn't a joke. it had been a joke four years ago and jeno was still a little apprehensive. he needed to be absolutely sure jaemin was real. 

 

‘i don't want to overwhelm him, especially since the questioning was draining. maybe a couple at a time?’ everyone agrees. they aren't about to pitch a fit about anything. they're just happy he's back. waiting a tad longer shouldn't be a problem. it's just the decision of who should go first that becomes difficult. 

 

it takes a minute, but renjun and jeno are chosen. after all, they were always closer to jaemin anyhow. 

 

in the elevator ride and short walk to jaemin's room, jeno is filled with a mountain of anxiety. it's been so long. he's afraid of how jaemin will react towards him. he can't imagine what jaemin even looks like. jeno's memory of the younger is fuzzy by now with jaemin forever frozen into his 8-year-old version. he doesn't have a clue how the 17-year-old jaemin will appear as. 

 

yuta guides the two into the hospital room. it's cold and smells highly of antiseptic. a soft orange glow is lighting the area, ebbing along the main feature of the room: jaemin. he's still holding the plushie and counting. 

 

yuta doesn't hesitate to walk towards jaemin but it's as if renjun and jeno are cemented into the entryway. both of their eyes are already red-rimmed and struggling to contain the weight of a thousand tears. 

 

‘jaemin, some of your friends are here. do you want to say hi? they've waited a long time to see you.’ yuta explains gently and jaemin stops moving. the boy glances up and spots the other occupants of the room. he's confused. 

 

‘who are they?’ he whispers, eyeing them with a mix of fear and wonder. he looks just like a kid. 

 

it's as if the whole world stopped turning the moment those words left jaemin's lips. 

 

yuta's taken aback. he doesn't know how to answer or even formulate any response whatsoever. he freezes instead. 

 

jeno's succumbed to the tears, drowning. white noise buzzes in his ear. his hands are shaking. jaemin doesn't  _ remember  _ him?

 

‘uhㅡuhm, this is renjun and jeno. you guys were best friends before you disappeared. you don't remember them?’ yuta feels the pit in his stomach darken. he was eight when he went missing. he should know who renjun and jeno are. why doesn't he recognize them?

 

‘no. no. no! no! get out! get out! go away!’ jaemin flings his blanket at the two boys and then his pillow. everyone's too stunned to move or speak. jaemin is screaming now, covering his ears. his throat is so thick with emotion that only squawking sounds come out. 

 

‘appa, im sorry! so sorry! one, two, three, four, five! count the tick marks until  **he** comes back! sorry, so sorry!’ yuta finally reacts, pulling renjun and jeno outside the door. he hollers for a nurse, because jaemin's not calming down even with the boys out of the room.

 

sooyoung rushes in, checking the machines. she eventually has to sedate him. he quiets down at once back into a disturbed slumber. 

 

yuta has to step out and when he reaches the corner of the hall, he breaks down. he buries his head into his hands and just cries. 

 

it's too much. yuta can't do anything to help his younger brother. he isn't strong enough for this. how in the world was jaemin? 

 

why did this have to happen? yuta was trying his best being the sole guardian of jaemin at only eighteen years old and he manages to hand him over to some sick freak? an innocent life was taken and morphed into something unidentifiable. 

 

yuta doesn't know this jaemin. he knows literally nothing about his baby brother anymore. he knows absolutely nothing.

 

and that hurt more than any other wound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i semi hate this chapter ,,,,


	4. replay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry for not updating in so long ,, i had finals last week and was preparing final projects & studying so it took all my free time :( but im back with this chapter for you guys !!! this is the first one to include a flashback i believe ;) anyways, enjoy <3

the room was getting stuffy. 

 

yuta's still sleeping and jaemin is bored. he can't fake sleep anymore. he's already been to the bathroom and stared out the window. he's dying to go outside his room, like always. 

 

so he does this time. 

 

he's holding  _ pororo  _ still. jaemin hasn't let him go since he was given him. he reminds him so much of tokki. 

 

the lights get gradually brighter as jaemin walks further down the hall. he passes more rooms and more corridors. he sticks close to the wall, a little afraid now that he's actually alone. 

 

he sees people. but they're far away and not looking at him. jaemin ignores them. he turns the corner and into a smaller room. it doesn't have a door. jaemin likes that. 

 

he sees rectangular boxes with lights inside. they're holding snacks. so many snacks. jaemin sees a carton of his favorite beverageㅡstrawberry milkㅡand he makes up his mind that he  _ has  _ to have it. 

 

he experimentally pushes the buttons a few times but nothing budges. he tries to stick his hand into the flap below but can't reach the pink drink. he's frustrated now. jaemin hits more buttons, increasingly louder. 

 

‘come out!’ he whispers. practically begs. he wants the milk now. appa always let him have strawberry milk whenever he asked nicely. maybe he should do that. jaemin didn't technically ask. it all starts to make sense why the milk wouldn't come down from it's spot in the cool machine. 

 

jaemin somehow detaches himself from the box to find someone to ask. he doesn't know who it should be. he should just go back and seek his hyung. 

 

but jaemin can't remember which way his room is. there's too many hallways and bright lights. his head hurts. he's scared now. he lost his hyung,  _ again _ . 

 

he blindly walks down the closest hallway. jaemin notices the signs upon the walls but doesn't recognize much of the words. he doesn't know what a ‘ **cardiac department** ’ is. appa never talked like that. 

 

tears are swarming his eyes, he realizes. another turn. another turn. he's no closer to finding yuta. his heart is beating too fast. he's so scared. 

 

‘hyung?’ jaemin calls. no answer. 

no. no.

 

‘hyung!’ he raises his voice a bit. 

 

his yelling alerts some visitors who are waiting in a nearby room. a small tv is emitting most of the background noise but an elderly woman sitting close to the door hears the frantic noise. she gets the nurse at the counter who thanks her and then helps jaemin find his way back. 

 

‘lost hyung. don't know where my room is.’ jaemin has at least stopped crying now but the hot pain of fear still has a hold on him. his heart is hammering in his chest. he doesn't like this feeling. 

 

‘okay, it's alright. i'm boah and i'm going to find your hyung, don't worry.’ she guides the boy back to her desk and sits him down.

 

‘can you tell me your name?’ boah questions the younger who's chewing on his nails. he doesn't answer for a minute and boah begins to think the boy won't speak to her again. 

 

‘jaemin.’ he whispers, almost like an afterthought. his eyes are caught on the snowglobe perched on boah's desk. the fake snow was settled but it contained a small light that brighten the stethoscope inside. it was a gift from her boyfriend for graduating med school.

 

‘okay, jaemin, is it you that's in the hospital or is it your hyung?’ she sees jaemin's fascination and gently hands him the globe. his eyes sparkle as he violently shakes the object, marveling at the flurries in the liquid. 

 

‘me.’ boah picks up her phone and dials the pediatric wing. she figures they would know about him as a patient. it takes a few seconds before someone responds. 

 

‘yeah, i have a boy hereㅡmaybe nine or tenㅡhe's lost. his name is jaemin and he says he's a patient. do you have any information on him?’ she's speaking to one of the nurses at the station in the pediatric ward. the nurse puts her on hold while contacting the head of the shift, who would most likely know about matters such as this. paperwork was a nightmare. 

 

‘oh my gosh, thank you so much, boah. you're a lifesaver!’ boah recognizes sooyoung's voice. they'd roomed together during their 1st year rotations and regularly kept in touch, despite boah working in the cardiac department. 

 

‘so you do know the kid?’ boah smiles into the phone. 

 

‘believe it or not, jaemin's actually seventeen. but, i do know him. he's my patient and his brother is freaking out. i guess you haven't seen the news?’ sooyoung remarks and boah has to withhold a gasp as she whips her head around to double take the younger. 

 

there's no way he's  _ seventeen _ ?! 

 

‘uhm, no. i've been working a double. this is the first time i've even had time to rest and i stumbled upon the poor thing. i got him to calm down though.’ boah informs. 

 

‘well, he was kidnapped eight years ago. his conditions weren't the best, obviously. he's so underdeveloped both physically and mentally. i'd mistake him as a child too.’

 

‘that's what i hate about this job. i'll bring him up, don't worry.’ the two exchange goodbyes and boah hangs up the phone. jaemin's still shaking the globe with a mesmerized expression adorning his soft features. he couldn't possibly be seventeen. 

 

unfortunately, cases like these pop up every few years or soㅡthe number increasing over time. boah couldn't handle the neglected, abused children. their horrible circumstances crawling into the back of her mind and never leaving. she wanted to throw up at the mere idea of harming innocent souls who were in no way at fault. that's why after she completed her rotation, boah kept far away from the pediatric unit. she settled on working issues that normally were genetic or caused by poor lifestyles. there was the occasion patient from accidents such as vehicular but never harmed children. 

 

boah blinked back the hazardous what-ifs plaguing her thoughts to focus on directing jaemin to his room. 

 

‘jaemin, good news! i found where your room is and i'm going to take you back to your hyung.’ jaemin beamed, precariously setting the snowglobe in its original position. 

 

they walk together and within minutes are face-to-face with a relieved sooyoung, anxious yuta, and detectives seo and jung. yuta wasted no time in hugging the younger, almost strangling him with his intense hold. 

 

‘ah, minnie, you scared me! please, don't wander away again! i thoughtㅡi thought. . .’ yuta couldn't finish as he was overcome with tears.

 

‘sorry.’ jaemin automatically responds. he thinks it's the right answer. he's not too sure now. 

 

‘it's okay. you're not in trouble. i was just worried.’ yuta explains as he pushes some of the loose strands around jaemin's face aside. 

 

‘can i have milk now?’ he looks at the ground, adding a ‘please’ quickly. his fingers itch. head pounds.

 

‘yeah, of course. hyung will get you some milk. come on.’ 

 

ㅡ

 

donghyuck and guilt have been best friends since his ninth birthday. after all, it was because of his party on that saturday afternoon that jaemin was kidnapped. 

 

it doesn't matter how many people tell him it's not his fault, he'll never believe them. the correlation is too high. he can't just ignore the truth for a favor of relief. 

 

jaemin was going to  _ donghyuck’s  _ birthday party. had he not, jaemin wouldn't have lost eight years of his life to some freak. that thought weighs on donghyuck’s mind many nights when he's stumbled his way into mark's bedㅡhis parents are always gone. 

 

donghyuck sees taeyong and kunㅡeven yuta and sichengㅡas his family more than his own blood relatives. they were the ones who got him help when he was dying from the inside out. they were the ones who kept him company on the nights when he wasn't able to sleep. they opened their arms wide and took  _ care  _ of him. 

 

his parents? no. 

 

always gone on business or vacation, halfway around the world. they find donghyuck as a disgrace. a blow to their pristine reputation. who needs  _ therapy _ ? he should just shut up and go on with his life.

 

donghyuck spends more time at the orphanage than his own house. taeyong and kun don't mind taking care of an extra boy. their hearts big enough for all six of the boysㅡall  _ seven _ . even though jaemin hadn't lived at the orphanage along with the rest of the boys, he was still regarded as one of their own.

 

taeyong, kun, yuta, and sicheng had been friends since middle school. they all came from not-so-stellar homes and that made the friend process a bit easier. as they grew older, they realized they wanted to help other children who were like them. 

 

when taeyong graduated from high school, he was gifted a rather large house from his filthy rich parents as a parting gift. he used the property to open doors for foster children who needed a place to stay. 

 

donghyuck had been their first child. he'll always share a special part in the boys’ hearts for that. chenle had been their last, as all the rooms had been occupied by then. taeyong and kun would open the doors back up when their five leave for college. for now, they were content with what they had. 

 

yuta had become a teacher and sicheng worked as a translatorㅡcommuting to the big city about 45 mins away to assist in chinatown issues. the two regularly helped with taking care of the teens, probably to fill the hole in their hearts from jaemin. they weren't trying to forget about him, oh no, but the pain eased a little when they played uno with six happy faces. 

 

donghyuck had felt waves of depression for years. he went to therapy regularly. took his medication every day. he had been doing  _ fine _ . 

 

that was until four years ago when a false alarm shook their tiny beach town. donghyuck relapsed and missed two weeks of school. it had taken extensive visits from his therapist and upped doses for donghyuck to finally return to some semblance of normality. 

 

kun hated putting donghyuck on so much medication. it wrecked the boy's moods and left him drained from activities as simple as walking down the stairs. he slept hours on end and couldn't stomach even light foods. 

 

he wasn't living but he wasn't  _ dying  _ either. the chances of donghyuck doing something so grave would be amplified if he wasn't taking his medication. they figured that out quickly after hyuck had secretly stopped taking his pills. the authorities were called to the high school when donghyuck attempted to jump off the roof. 

 

that had been a difficult day for everyone involved. 

 

yuta’s wounds were reopened as he was filled with  _ so  _ much guilt. history was repeating itself. that's how the other five boys had felt when they heard the news. mark had bolted for the rooftop, only crying as hard when he first heard about jaemin not coming home. renjun and jeno shakily followed.  jisung had had an anxiety attack when word reached him. chenle tried to help the younger but was frozen in the moment.

 

they try not to think about those days now. it just brings everyone down. they choose to focus on the future and making it through another day. 

 

‘so he didn't remember you?’ chenle asks, shocked when the two boys come back crying. they weren't happy tears. the group had been through enough to immediately tell the difference. 

 

jeno didn't reply. kun opened his arms and the younger wasted no time in receiving the comfort. renjun had stopped crying, replacing his emotions with the one he knew how to feel: anger. 

 

‘of course he fucking didn't. why would he? it's been eight years, chenle, think.’ renjun spat as the craving to punch something snaked its way through his veins. he clenched his fists so hard that crescent marks appeared on his palms, some even bleeding. 

 

‘hey, junnie, be nice. chenle was just asking a question. let's takes some deep breaths.’ taeyong gently grabbed renjun's hands to prevent any more damage. renjun was infamous for harming himself whenever he was angry. taeyong had researched methods to get the boy to stop as it moved towards a dangerous level when renjun got a concussion from banging his head on the wall during one of his fits. it normally took a couple hours for him to calm down and they usually had to separate him from the pack. renjun had never physically hurt one of the other boys but it was a maybe they couldn't ignore. 

 

it wasn't renjun's fault. his biological parents weren't the best examples for the young boy to follow when he had lived with them. it wasn't until six-year-old renjun had been pushed out of a car outside the local hospital, battered and bruised, did he finally get taken away from his abusive drunks for parents. jaemin going missing was just another trigger to fuel the growing anger issues bottled up inside renjun. 

 

‘come on, let's go get some fresh air.’ renjun tried to resist but taeyong was stronger. the two disappeared from view through the hospital's entrance. 

 

‘he yelled at us to go away.’ jeno whispered brokenly from his position hugging kun. his face was buried in kun’s neck trying to block out the world. this isn't how he wanted the reunion to go. 

 

‘i'm sure there's a reason. don't give up hope. think about how jaemin must feel. he's probably really scared right now and confused. give him some time.’ jeno nods, feeling much better now. his eyes droop though and kun suggests they head back to the hotel to calm down. everyone needs a breather. 

 

‘sorry about your shirt, hyung.’ jeno points to the large wet spot on kun's shoulder. the chinese male just laughs it off. it isn't the first time. 

 

‘i have plenty of other shirts, don't worry kiddo.’ kun ruffles jeno's mop of black hair with a smile. 

 

they're okay again.

 

ㅡ

 

‘i assume it's some sort of brainwashing.’ jaemin's doctor, ryeowook, explained when he was informed of the situation that had taken place. 

 

‘brainwashing?’ yuta repeats, stilled by the simple words. he doesn't understand. thankfully, ryeowook delves more into detail. 

 

‘we see it often in cases like these. the kidnapper would have needed some way to keep jaemin under his control. i can't say how that happened, only jaemin could tell us. it would be useful to talk about his life before the disappearance to try to break through. i can't lie, it'll be difficult. this monster has had eight years to completely alter jaemin's mind.’ 

 

yuta feels so sick. this can't be happening. it makes sense though. he should of thought about things like this. 

 

‘i’ll schedule an appointment with the psychiatrist on call. she'll be able to help you start trying to reverse the effects if it's possible.’ ryeowook pauses before taking a deep breath. what he has to say next isn't going to be easy by any means. 

 

‘i also got the results back from jaemin's exam and. . .’ ryeowook has been a doctor for thirteen years and this is still one of the hardest parts of the job. 

 

‘how bad was it?’ ryeowook is just confirming what yuta already knew. he knew from the moment he saw his little brother that he'd been hurt far worse than yuta could possibly imagine. 

 

‘the test indicated that there was indeed prolonged sexual abuse. luckily, it also seems that it has been awhile. i would estimate that the last time he was abused was a year? two?’

 

yuta can't figure out if he should be glad about that or not. he's deeply confused. he doesn't understand what happened during jaemin's disappearance. he can't grasp the timeline. 

 

‘while he hasn't been sexually abused in some time, there were signs of physical abuse. most of his past injuries had been healed but there were fresh bruises and cuts on his torso and face. it's likely that the physical abuse stopped a while ago as well and that there was a trigger for him to start beating jaemin again. of course all of this is speculation and jaemin is the only one who can tell us for sure.’ ryeowook finishes with a somber face. he sees yuta struggling to comprehend everything. 

 

‘thank you, doctor.’ yuta finally manages to speak as he tries to hold back another round of tears. 

 

‘i think jaemin should be able to be released in a day or two. he's still malnourished and there was a certain old wound that worries me. i want to make sure it isn't going to cause any complications.’ yuta nods and then the two part ways. 

 

yuta runs back into the two detectives as he slowly makes his way to jaemin's hospital room. 

 

‘ah, mr. na, we put the sketch of appa out to the public but no significant leads have come about. if jaemin's feeling up to it, we would like to question him again. any information is useful to our case.’ johnny speaks and all yuta can do is shake his head “yes”. his words won't leave his mouth. he's so broken inside as thoughts fly by in every direction. 

 

the two detectives notice the change in yuta's demeanor. they had already been informed by sooyoung and understood. they quietly made their way into jaemin's room.

 

‘police.’ jaemin mutters when he sees the detectives come in. he's sipping from his strawberry milk, content for the moment. 

 

‘yeah, jaemin, we're the police. we saw each other yesterday. we need to ask more questions.’ the three males find places to sit down before they focus on jaemin once more. 

 

‘okay.’ is all jaemin says. yuta smiles somehow when jaemin looks at him from across the room with hope in his eyes. jaemin looks somewhat happy to yuta and it breaks his heart with the thoughts swimming in his head. 

 

‘jaemin, you said appa let you out of your room that day. why was that?’ jaehyun questions first. his little notebook is back. 

 

‘it was a reward. i took my punishment well.’ jaemin replies, unfazed. he chews on his straw when there's no more milk. 

 

‘punishment?’ johnny gulps.

 

‘appa needed to punish me. it makes him feel better on the bad days. appa always feels sad afterwards. he let me out in the living room to watch  _ sleeping beauty _ . we watched it together and when i asked for some milk he realized we didn't have anymore. he left to get some because i was a good boy. that's when i went to see the pretty flowers.’ jaemin screws his eyebrows, uncomfortable. it's a difficult memory for him to comprehend. he doesn't understand why he hurt appa like that. truth is, jaemin hadn't had thoughts of escaping for years. his escape was purely coincidental driven by fear of another punishment, one that was far worse than he had been given for awhile. 

 

‘jaemin, what did appa's car look like?’ johnny tries then. he's not sure if he'll get an answer. jaemin may know nothing about that but he has to at least try. 

 

jaemin thinks for a minute. he's fighting through fuzzy memories and strange flashbacks. it hadn't been something jaemin was particularly concerned about the few times he'd seen the outside in eight years. most of the windows in the living room had thick, dark curtains covering them and jaemin had always been too afraid to peek. 

 

‘dark blue.’ the straw is obliterated. jaemin keeps picking at it with his teeth. his hands shake. 

 

‘okay, and how many doors?’ jaehyun prods carefully. they need more details for this to be anywhere near a lead. 

 

‘mhm, four.’ 

 

‘jaemin, where there any stickers on the back or anything noticeable to you? a dent or other damage?’ jaemin blinks hard. twice. again. 

 

_ ‘i need you to be quiet for me, okay? we're going on a little ride. you'll sleep right through it. i’ll get you your favorite food if you make sure not to make a sound, alright. it's very important, jaemin. i need you to be quiet.’ appa holds onto jaemin's shoulders, eyes wide and serious. jaemin's a tad scared.  _

 

_ ‘answer me, jaemin. you're going to be quiet. right?’ appa shakes jaemin slightly to beckon a reply out of the young boy. the latter nods quickly.  _

 

_ ‘yes sir.’ appa smiles for a moment before clapping a hand onto jaemin's back. the boy jumps from the impact. he's terrified.  _

 

_ appa grabs jaemin's hand and pulls him along to the door. jaemin lets himself be dragged without resistance. he has no strength of escape left.  _

 

_ the door is intimidating but exciting as it's opened. it's the first time he's left the basement since he became appa’s. appa turns around before leading the two of them out and puts a finger against his mouth to shush him once more.  _

 

_ the light is bright and temporarily blinds jaemin, who squeaks in surprise. appa throws a warning glare to shut up and quickens their pace. his arm hurts from the incessant pulling and he surely has a bruise on his right wrist.  _

 

_ all he can do is blearily look around at the surroundings to see a neighborhood. he doesn't get much time to study the area, though, because appa has stopped moving. they're in front of a car and appa has opened the trunk. he yanks jaemin closer and attempts to push him in but jaemin's fight or flight skills kick in then.  _

 

_ jaemin tries to break away but appa's strong hands prevent him from going anywhere. the one thing he never does in his struggle is open his mouth. he is going to be quiet.  _

 

_ appa swiftly picks him up and shoves him into the trunk, slamming it down when he knows jaemin is inside. fear clouds jaemin's entire body. he's so so so so so so scared.  _

 

_ jaemin would scream and kick for help but there's nothing left in him. he's so tired. he hears the engine start but barely recognizes they're moving when it all fades to black. _

 

‘jaemin? jaemin?!’ he blinks back to reality to see worried faces around him. he must have been hyperventilating because his chest is on fire and he's crying. 

 

‘sorry.’ jaemin whispers. everything is just too overwhelming. his emotions are all over the place and he doesn't know what to do. he doesn't know how he should actㅡwhat's expected of him. he doesn't know the rules. 

 

‘it's okay. no one's mad at you. take your time. you're really helping us, jaemin.’ jaehyun comforts the younger boy. 

 

they take a short break for jaemin to calm down before continuing. he's still fairly okay and yuta agrees. 

 

‘appa put me in the b-back of the car when we rode. always the back. it was scar-scary the first times.’ jaemin stumbles on some of his words. his thoughts are difficult to be made into sentences and grammar is out the window for sure. 

 

‘the backseat?’ the narrative is choppy and out of order. it's becoming a challenge to understand what happened during those eight years. the detectives don't want to push jaemin too far but they don't know all his limits. they don't know the significance of certain events to jaemin. 

 

‘noㅡno.’ jaemin shakes his floppy head of hair back and forth. ‘farther.’ it finally clicks for the detectives. they're choked up. who would do such a traumatic thing to a child? 

 

‘how many times did you ride with appa?’ 

 

jaemin smiles. it's small but still there. he's dropped the straw in favor of crinkling the box in random ways. he remembers this exactly. 

 

‘two. four. six. eight. ten. twelve. fourteen. sixteen.’ jaemin likes counting. it soothes him. it gives him something to do to pass the time. he'd read all the books in his room hundreds of time and colored all the pictures in every coloring book. he watched every dvd appa left him and memorized every word to all 14 movies. he liked counting and decided to see what number he could count to. he'd been on 21,367 the night before his escape. 

 

‘where did he take you, jaemin?’ he thinks hard. he wants to help. he doesn't know a street name. he doesn't know the town. he doesn't know anything useful. 

 

‘’nother house. white with blue shutters. it was big. i could hear waves. i wanted to see the water but. . .appa never let me. said i had to stay inside. wanted to see theㅡthe water so bad. begged appa. he still said no.’ the boy's voice breaks as tears softly roll down his cheeks. he doesn't sob or make much noise, just quietly cries at the memory. 

 

‘i'm sorry, minnie.’ yuta can't help but feel immense pain ripping at his heart. he would make sure to take jaemin to the beach to see the water. he'll let him stay as long as the boy wants to. he can't even imagine saying no to jaemin. yuta doesn't have the heart to deny his brother anything. 

 

‘we stayed there for awhile. then we went back home. never went anywhere else.’ jaemin tells the detectives. he hopes he's been useful but it doesn't feel like it. 

 

‘did i help?’ yuta stands up and goes over to hold the younger boy's hand. he wants to see jaemin smile, laugh, anything other than cry. yuta isn't strong enough to witness the pain jaemin is going throughㅡwent throughㅡany longer. he blinks back his own tears and stays strong for his little brother. that's all he can do right now. 

 

‘of course, buddy. you did so well.’ yuta replies and the detectives nod along. jaemin needs this reassurance. he wants to help so bad. 

 

‘i'm so proud of you, min.’ 

 

ㅡ

 

johnny and jaehyun were puzzled. it didn't make sense to them why this man would take a chance at getting caught with jaemin in the trunk, nonetheless, by transporting him between two locations. why the need to move? 

 

they had left the hospital with the new information from jaemin and an increased determination to find ‘appa’. it was a short ride back to the precinct where they found the rest of their team tracking down leads and writing on their board with all the unknowns they  _ did  _ know. it wasn't as much as they wished but this was a delicate case. it was going to be challenging to find this man. he already had a few days to go completely off the grid. it was looking grim in terms of capturing him and making him pay for stealing jaemin's life. 

 

‘oh, good, your back!’ ten claps his hands once he notices the pair walking into the station, ‘please tell me you have something for us to work with.’ 

 

johnny nods fervently, ‘actually, yes. jaemin told us that he only left the house to go to another one. it was somewhere near a beach. it was white with. . .blue shutters.’ he finishes after looking through his notes. 

 

‘he spoke in twos so i'm assuming that's accounting for to and fro. so, it would have been, what, eight times in total?’ jaehyun adds, a crease working its way in between his brows.

 

‘wait, eight times?’ doyoung questions from his position at his desk with his feet propped up. he had been sipping from a piping hot disposable coffee cup. 

 

‘once a year, then?’ ten suggests. no one really knows if the path they're going down is correct, but it's worth the try. they have to look at all possibilities and find the likely. 

 

‘a beach house?’ jungwoo thinks aloud, staring at the transparent board with markings and photos organized. he's been thinking about everything for the past three hours, hoping to uncover something they had overlooked. 

 

‘that seems plausible, actually. i mean, he may of gone on “vacation” once a year. he has to take jaemin with him or the kid would die. he can't risk leaving him and someone either a) finding him or b) him escaping.’ doyoung figures. 

 

jaehyun sighs, ‘okay, but there's thousands of beach houses in every direction from here. how are we supposed to know which one he used?’

 

every lead seems be shot down when looked into. it's discouraging but nothing the unit hasn't dealt with before. the room is quiet for a second. all the men concentrating on something, anything, absorbed by their thoughts. 

 

that is until jungwoo pipes back up, ‘isn't jaemin's hometown a beach town? i read the economy stats yesterday to let my mind rest and it's main revenue comes from its vast spread of beaches and other tourism attractions like their boardwalk. it's a stretch but it can't hurt to have a place to rule out.’ 

 

no one responds and jungwoo begins to think he sounds like a complete fool. he shrinks back from the group, downing more of his herbal tea. 

 

‘that's ㅡ that's messed up. how can one person be so  _ messed  _ up?’ ten grumbles after a minute. he always took the job the hardest. it crept into his mind faster than he'd like. 

 

‘i’ll start looking into the rental homes first and showing the owners the sketch jaemin provided us. if those bust, we can try purchased property.’ doyoung turns to type on his computer bringing up databases and phone numbers to call the real estate agencies in the area.

 

‘i don't even know what to say.’ ten curls his fists into balls at his side, fuming. he's quickly deflated, though, the more the idea runs around his mind. 

 

‘i don't believe there's anything to say, tennie.’ johnny rubs ten's shoulder in comfort before leaving his side to assist the search.

 

the clock was ticking and they  _ had  _ to get somewhere soon. the odds weren't in their favor. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, thank you to anyone who commented :))) if i wasn't able to reply im sorry !! i really appreciate the support & any thoughts or criticism is welcome just be nice bc im sensitive hhhhh


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry it's been a really long time since i updated :( i had a bad writer's block that took me like a week to overcome but i have scenes planned out for this next chapter, so it should come out sooner !! i hope,, at least. jaemin is finally going home :))) the plot shall thicken !! also, my autocorrect is really stupid so if jaemin's name is "jasmin" somewhere in here i'm sorry,, i tried to catch them all but i suck at editing. anyways, enjoy !!!!!

‘jaemin, do you remember sicheng?’ yuta softly asks the boy when he reenters the hospital with the said man trailing awkwardly behind. 

 

yuta had conversed with the psychiatrist the doctor referred him to about ways to undo the effects of brainwashing apparent in jaemin. the lady, a nice woman by the name of sandara park, had told yuta that perhaps introducing one person at a time and carefully would be best. she suggested it be another adult, since the bond was a bit stronger. from what she had heard about, sicheng and jaemin had been close. the two were hoping jaemin would positively react, but they couldn't be sure. 

 

jaemin was in the pediatric lounge for the patients. there were toys and coloring books everywhere to occupy them and jaemin was genuinely interested in everything. he was currently distracted by a puzzle game on a tablet. it took much trial and error for the boy to understand how it worked but he was continuously giggling so yuta just let him be. 

 

jaemin was quiet. he didn't respond. he didn't know what to think. he didn't want to get in trouble for not answering but he knew the words he did have to offer weren't right either. it was a battle of choosing the worse of two evils. 

 

yuta throws a look over to sicheng, who finally jumps out of the trance he was in. yuta had been sending him pictures of jaemin and telling him all about the case, but it didn't prepare him to actually  _ see  _ the boy for the first time in eight years. it was a strange feeling that overcame sicheng in the first moments he laid eyes on jaemin, the kid he babysitted for months on end and grew to love immensely. 

 

‘hi, jaemin. it's been a long time since we saw each other, right?’ sicheng begins as he sits across in one of the tiny chairs. he doesn't even mind how uncomfortable they are. 

 

‘yeah. . .’ jaemin whispers. he's staring down at the table with wide eyes, can't find the energy to break his gaze away. partly, in fear. the other half, well, he can't distinguish it. he doesn't know what going on inside of him. 

 

‘i missed you so much. we used to play games all the time and watch movies, remember?’ it's a simple question that should elicit a simple answer, but jaemin is atypical. 

 

‘mhm, lots of times. i have to play with appa now. should have forgot aboutㅡabout you. appa said to but i didn't want to. i tried to forgetㅡi didㅡbut i couldn't. when appa asked i pretended. it made him happy. have to make him happy.’ jaemin doesn't cry, but the tears well up just the same. memories flood his mind. he blinks once. twice. more. again. 

 

_ ‘i want to go home! please, let me go!’ jaemin pleads the man before him. the latter was seated in a chair across from where jaemin had been placed when he first woke up after being taken. it was a dirty mattress, no sheets, no blankets. jaemin was curled up, arms wrapped around his legs protectively. he'd been crying for the past few hours when the man suddenly reappeared.  _

 

_ ‘please, stop crying. i don't want you to cry. this is your home now. it's the way it has to be.’ his voice is in between soft and strict. it still scares jaemin down to his core. he feels himself shaking like a leaf but can't help it. just like he can't help the tears that roll down his face in agonizing succession.  _

 

_ ‘no! i wanna go home! this isn't my home! i want yuta hyung!’ jaemin can't contain his sudden anger and begins yelling at the man. he should have expected him to reciprocate the emotion, but the adrenaline leaves him high and dry.  _

 

_ the man is now towering towards him, a face of complete madness covering his features. the man lunges for jaemin, finding purchase in the boy's skinny arm. he pulls him forcefully, not paying attention to the screams jaemin is helpless to producing.  _

 

_ ‘listen to me, you don't have a hyung. you never did. he doesn't exist. if i hear you speak about him one more time, there will be consequences. do you understand me?!’ the man spews at the young boy, who's frozen in place by the harsh words thrown at him.  _

 

_ ‘i want to go home! let me go! let me go! get away from me! i want yuta hyung!’ jaemin doesn't care about what's to come now that he's already broken the one rule put in place. he just wants to wake up and all of this be some stupid dream. he can't really have been kidnapped, right?  _

 

_ ‘what did i tell you?!’ the man slaps jaemin across the face, leaving an uncharacteristic patch of red skin. jaemin just cries harder at being hit for the first time.  _

 

_ ‘stop crying! please, i don't want you to cry. just be quiet and we'll be fine. i'm your appa now, okay. i'm going to take care of you.’ jaemin reels at the statement that comes from the man's mouth.  _ no _ , he thinks. this is  _ wrong. 

 

_ he pushes the man away with as much force as he can, ‘you're not my appa!’ the man wasn't expecting that reaction from jaemin and is visibly surprised. after he regains his footing from his impromptu stumbling, the man practically wrenches jaemin's wrist off. the bone crushing hold has jaemin wriggling to escape but failing miserably.  _

 

_ the man doesn't give jaemin a second chance this time and drags him away. jaemin's feet skid along the cold concrete floor. he's no match in strength with the older, resembling a ragdoll in the moment.  _

 

_ jaemin is picked up and laid down in a long box. he watches, frightened, as the man slams the top closed. he's immersed in darkness and the tight space starts to get to him. he screams but the man doesn't come back.  _

 

_ he's left there. just screaming. there's nothing else he can do. he just screams. and cries. and begs. please come back.  _

 

‘minnie?’ he blinks. he's back. he feels a hand on his own and as much as he wants to lean into the comfort, something inside of him urges him to yank his hand away. so he does. he brings it toward his mouth subconsciously. he goes back to chewing on his nail beds, staring at the tablet before him. 

 

if sicheng was hurt, he didn't show it. the atmosphere was tense after that. 

 

‘don't want to pretend anymore, hyungie. don't make m-me.’ jaemin whispers a few moments later after awkward silence. his mind is blank. he's not thinking of anything at the moment and he doesn't know what to do. 

 

‘of course not, jaemin. you don't have to pretend anymore.’ sicheng manages to answer, even though he really wants to just sit down and cry for a good few hours. sicheng feels much better when jaemin comes over and shyly asks for a hug. although sicheng was never one for skinship, he wastes no time in enveloping the younger.

 

yuta laughs at the encounter, a soft smile set on his face. they need more happy moments. 

 

thankfully, this is one of them.

 

ㅡ

 

that night, after returning from the hospital with heavy hearts, taeyong and kun aren't surprised when their boys silently crawl into their beds. 

 

kun makes sure everyone has taken their appropriate medications once they've all washed up. taeyong finds a movie on the hotel's television, looking for anything to brighten the crestfallen teenagers. 

 

‘i think i need. . .um . . .myㅡ’ jisung attempts to force out but the words tumble ungracefully instead. this was never easy for him but it was important for him to  _ ask _ . it had taken months for jisung to get this far, to this point. taeyong and kun had worked with him for what seemed like forever but it slowly started paying off. jisung was dealing with his anxiety now and his episodes were becoming few and far between. he still had bad days and it was evident in this moment as he struggled to voice his needs to kun. the stress from jaemin's return was overpowering to the youngest and he had been fighting voices all day. 

 

jisung whimpered as he tried to again but his vocal chords promptly failed him. jisung wasn't one to cry and even though he wanted to release his pent up emotions, nothing would come out. 

 

kun noticed his frustration and rubbed jisung’s arm soothingly. he had to be careful as sometimes touch only made the boy feel worse, but he knew him enough to differentiate. 

 

‘it's alright, bud. i understand. it's been a long day.’ kun handed jisung one of his emergency pills he took when his anxiety hit an all time high. most times, jisung was too stubborn to admit when he knew he needed to take one and, as a result, hardly used them. it was a part of his therapy to get more comfortable asking for pills and telling someone when he wasn't feeling well, when he was on the cusp of having an anxiety attack. 

 

‘why don't you go lay down next to yongie and try to get some sleep, hmm? or you could watch the movie with us. whatever you're feeling up to.’ jisung nodded and padded awkwardly over to the bed that taeyong was positioned on. the latter had been carefully observing the encounter and welcomed jisung warmly. 

 

‘it'll get better, sungie.’ he whispered to jisung as he gently kissed the younger’s forehead. he wrapped an arm around jisung's narrow shoulders, holding the boy tight. the odd family they had constructed ran on cuddles and conversation (and tears, lots of tears). communication was key to their dynamic and, while jisung wasn't able to voice his desires, taeyong knew he needed comfort. 

 

slowly but surely, the intense feeling in jisung's chest faded away. he was out before the title of the movie was even announced. no one said anything when they heard the slight snores coming from the younger. 

 

it had been a long day, indeed, but tomorrow would bring new possibilities. jaemin was making progress and, soon enough, he'd remember his friends. it would be a whole new story when it would come time to head back home but, for now, life was looking up. 

 

ㅡ

 

‘jaemin, it's time to go back to the room. your doctor is going to do a check up and then, hopefully, we can go home!’ yuta explained as he glanced at his phone at realized what hour it was. sicheng was still there with them and it had been about two hours of puzzles, coloring, and one too many hands of go fish. jaemin had smiled though and so yuta and sicheng braved through another round. 

 

‘we can leave, right? don't want to stay in there.’ now that jaemin had tasted freedom, he didn't want to be locked up anymore. the prospect of staying in his hospital room made jaemin's head ache. he really wanted to go outside and look at flowers or birds or the pretty waterfall he could see from the hospital's window. 

 

‘of course, dr. kim just wants to make sure that you're all healed up. then we can leave, promise.’ jaemin nods, grabbing his  _ pororo  _ stuffed animal as they walked the short way back. 

 

‘hyung, are there birds at home? i like the red ones. i really want to see them.  _ snow white  _ had blue birds and they sung really good. i wanna hear their songs too.’ jaemin rambled when they arrived and waited for the doctor to come in. the window allowed the natural sunlight in that mesmerized the young boy. 

 

‘we have a lot of seagulls. they come and pester people for food. i'm not sure about the red birds.’ yuta responds fondly. he's glad that jaemin feels comfortable enough to voice his opinions and ask questions. yuta was a tad afraid that jaemin wouldn't talk to him at all. 

 

‘like the one in  _ the little mermaid _ ?’ jaemin grins so wide that it almost hurts. he's not used to the gesture. 

 

‘yeah, buddy.’ yuta ruffles the other's black locks. he badly needed a haircut. that would have to be something they got after they settled in at home. 

 

a knock on the door disturbs the mundane conversation. it's dr. kim. 

 

‘good afternoon, jaemin. i'm here to make sure you can go home!’ the doctor spoke as he pulled a pair of blue gloves on his hands. he seemed friendly to jaemin and so the boy didn't worry. he worked in a nice hospital with sooyoung and he gave him his  _ pororo  _ stuffie. he had to be a good person, right?

 

‘ok. . .’ sicheng had taken a seat and yuta was standing next to him. jaemin had been sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, swinging his legs about. 

 

‘i mainly just want to check out the laceration on your back. it looks like it had healed but something reopened the wound. i need to ensure it's not going to cause any problems for you.’ ryeowook explained before he began his examination. 

 

‘i'm just going untie the top of your gown to see your back. is that okay, jaemin?’ the said boy froze but nodded his head a few moments later. ryeowook carefully and skillfully went about his business, noting the area of most concern. 

 

‘the skin previously healed a bit jagged. whatever object was used had a sharp end that embedded several times into his upper back.’ ryeowook muttered sadly. 

 

‘it appears like there was some treatment for the infection but it was poor. i'll bandage it properly and it's best to have him stay off it for a week or so. i'll prescribe some painkillers but it'll likely be a low dose. if we give him too much, he'll pretty much be knocked out for days. his dressing will have to be changed daily and cleaned thoroughly. if you have any questions, sooyoung will be able to answer them.’ the doctor mainly was speaking to yuta and sicheng. he directed his attention back to jaemin a few moments later. 

 

‘okay, buddy, this’ll sting a bit.’ jaemin didn't even flinch. he just held his stuffie. within a few minutes, ryeowook was done. he bid his goodbye and recovery wishes before sooyoung came in with discharge papers. 

 

‘do the boys know we're heading home?’ yuta questioned sicheng. he was filling out the remaining paperwork. 

 

‘yeah, they left a few hours ago.’ sicheng replied.

 

‘that's good. hopefully, jaemin will be up to seeing them after he's all settled in.’ 

 

it would be a struggle to reverse years of brainwashing, but yuta was more than ready to try. he wanted his little brother back, and while he knew jaemin would never be the same, he still needed help dealing with all of the psychological trauma he’d experienced for eight years. 

 

they had a long road ahead of them but the only thing that matters was that they were together again. jaemin was safe now.

 

about ten minutes later, yuta finished the discharging process and all that was left was preparing jaemin to leave. 

 

‘hey, jaemin, this really nice lady is here to give you some clothes to wear. do you want to pick out an outfit?’ sicheng introduced the woman from the resources center, bora. she was holding various items for jaemin as he had shown up at the hospital with virtually nothing but bruises and tears. 

 

‘mhm.’ jaemin nodded and began looking at the  clothes that bora showed him. 

 

‘i can pick anything?’ there was hesitancy in his voice that hurt yuta. he forgot time and time again that jaemin was rid of any and all choices. 

 

‘of course! whatever you want is yours.’ bora explained as she set some t-shirts down. seconds later, jaemin had caught his eye on an orange shirt. 

 

‘do you like this one?’ bora pointed at the said shirt and jaemin smiled. he finally picked the shirt up and hugged the material to his chest. 

 

‘minnie likes orange. lots.’ a stray of giggles left the boy, who seemed stuck in his own little world. yuta finally convinced him to actually put the shirt on, after everyone else had left the room. yuta almost threw up at the sight of jaemin's past wounds but contained himself. a nice pair of jeans were paired with the top and jaemin had already chosen a pair of matching orange converses. 

 

‘i think we're ready to head home. what do you say?’ yuta questioned jaemin. the latter nodded his head, holding his stuffie in one hand and interlacing his other with yuta's much larger one. 

 

‘okay. let's go!’

 

with that, the two exited the room. they found sicheng who had been chatting with sooyoung about how to care for jaemin's injuries. 

 

‘thank you so much for all of your help. we'll never be able to thank you for taking such good care of jaemin.’ yuta spoke truthfully. he never really believed jaemin would be found alive. it sounded horrible but after countless police officers had informed him that the case was cold and they had no evidence suggesting the outcome was anything good, yuta lost hope. 

 

‘nonsense. it's all this boy's bravery.’ sooyoung smiled as jaemin gave her a hug. she wished him well and then the three males were off to head home. 

 

‘hyungie?’ jaemin whispered as he was settled in the backseat of their car. yuta turned around from the passenger's side to glance at his younger brother. 

 

‘hmm?’ 

 

‘where's home?’ the curiosity in his voice is endearing that yuta almost wants to cry. happily, this time. 

 

‘well, we live in a tiny town called hanggu. our house is sadly on the other side of the beach but it's not a long walk or drive to get there.’ jaemin perks up at the mention of the beach. he's wanted to see the ocean since he heard those continuous waves from the blue house. 

 

‘ocean?! want to go! hyungie, wanna go!’ the boy is jumping in his seat and yuta just laughs. 

 

‘we'll take you soon, promise. you need to heal a bit more before we can go. the salt water doesn't feel too good on cuts.’ sicheng explains from the driver's seat. he glances back from the rear view mirror with a big grin. 

 

‘tell me about the house, please!’ yuta quickly responds to the request. 

 

‘we live in a nice, quiet neighborhood. it's a brick house and you helped sicheng paint the door this bright yellow. you guys wanted the home to stand out from the others. our mom also planted these pretty flowers before she died. pinks and purples, oranges and blues. we got a porch swing a few years ago and it's soothing to just sit and feel the breeze. i think you'll love it.’ 

 

‘yellow.’ jaemin whispers. 

 

_ ‘hyung! stop, you're getting paint in my hair!’ jaemin giggles as he flicks the yellow color back at sicheng.  _

 

_ ‘shhh! yuta will hear you and i'll be in the doghouse.’ sicheng playfully replies. they've only applied one coat on the door and it'll need probably two more to look perfect. the plastic they've laid down to protect the porch crinkles as jaemin flops down.  _

 

_ ‘serves you right!’ jaemin laughs.  _

 

_ ‘aish, you little bratㅡ’ sicheng starts but is interrupted by yuta coming from the backyard with a plate of cookies. jaemin sticks his tongue out and sicheng who just rolls his eyes in return. _

 

_ ‘kun ge made this for you.’ the boys cheer as they grab three and four of the soft snickerdoodle treats.  _

 

_ ‘yah, you get one or you'll ruin your dinner.’ yuta firmly states before the two can devour the cookies. he raises an eyebrow that brings about a challenge.  _

 

_ sicheng looks over at jaemin and the two nod as they let out a battle cry.  _

 

_ ‘minnie, run!’ sicheng hugs yuta who yells at the action. jaemin screeches as he launches himself off the porch onto the lush green grass below. he somehow manages not to lose a single cookie.  _

 

_ ‘sicheng! you come back here, na jaemin!’ yuta laughs as he struggles within sicheng's grasp, the latter smothering him in tiny kisses.  _

 

_ the shining sun glares down on them as yuta gives in and let's the boys eat their cookies. the couple strew out along the front lawn, jaemin not trailing far behind. _

 

_ it's a beautiful july afternoon. jaemin is happy. _

 

‘yellow is good. like yellow.’ the ringing sound of fluttery laughter is enough to settle peace in the car. jaemin doesn't remember a positive memory in a vehicle. usually, he was sleeping or knocked unconscious. 

 

this time, though, jaemin is content. the fast moving scenery around him is fascinating. he could sit there for forever just looking out the window. 

 

and so he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i transfer this from google docs & it shows up really odd in this preview,, so if there's any mistakes let me know !! sorry in advance :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry for taking forever to update hhh i've been really busy with school again ,,, but i only have two days left so i should be able to get updates out faster !! this chapter is a bit different as it is all from jaemin's time in captivity :) i know the tag says 'mild' stockholm syndrome, but i ended up writing a more severe case,, oops the next chapter is already half way done and so i might be able to finish it in a week or so,,, we'll see !!! anyways, enjoy :)))

the buzzing in his ears was enough for him to break consciousness. he had no idea how long he had been out. it wouldn't have mattered anyways. time was just a concept. it didn't have an effect on jaemin. he'd lost count what day it was years ago. or months ago? he wasn't sure. 

 

waking up came with recognizing the white hot burning pain everywhere along his body. it took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust to the utter darkness. the last thing he remembered before everything went black was the warm yellow glow from that swinging bulb in the basement. it was taunting him somehow, flowing back and forth. 

 

his face especially had taken the brunt of this beating. jaemin hadn't necessarily done anything wrong this time. he knew the rules by now and it was useless to attempt to rebel. it seemed that appa was becoming increasingly irrational with his punishments. he used to have reasons for why he hurt jaemin, however crazy they were. 

 

now jaemin knew if appa came into his room with a blank stare and soulless eyes, he was going to endure a long night. appa would normally cry afterwards and apologize to jaemin doubtlessly. 

 

and jaemin forgave him because for some reason he felt sympathetic for the man. it was strange and wrong but it couldn't be stopped either. jaemin didn't like seeing appa sad. if a tortuous episode was what helped appa, then so be it. 

 

jaemin had learned fairly quickly that escape was impossible. fighting back was impossible. you just took your punishment and you might be rewarded. you might get to watch a movie with appa in the  _ living room _ ! that was enough for jaemin to withstand whatever appa dished out. 

 

it took a few minutes before jaemin found his voice again. it was strained and jaemin felt a thousand knives digging into him everytime he opened his mouth. 

 

jaemin wasn't supposed to cry. appa didn't like it. and normally jaemin obeyed that rule. he was a good boy. he knew what was wrong and what was right. appa didn't like jaemin to cry so he just didn't. 

 

but jaemin couldn't hold back these tears. they gushed and stung the cuts along his cheeks as they rolled down in horrid succession. jaemin had mastered the art of silent crying, so when he did succumb to the act when he was alone appa didn't hear. these tears, though, were wails. they were sobs that ripped through his throat against his will. jaemin didn't care at the moment. he was in  _ so _ much pain. he just wanted it to end. 

 

‘hey, don't do that.’ came appa's voice. it made jaemin cry even harder, if that was even possible. he didn't understand why the man who claimed to love him would hurt him so bad. so often. to be quite honest, jaemin needed to feel sorry for himself. it didn't do him any good in hindsight, but it helped in the moment. 

 

appa didn't say another word, picking the boy up. jaemin's body felt on fire as his skin was rubbed the wrong way in the action. he didn't say anything. just let himself be carried. he didn't even pay attention to where he was being taken to. it was probably back to his wretched room. jaemin didn't want to watch appa leave him in there again, so he closed his eyes and welcomed sleep.

 

this is jaemin's life.

 

ㅡ

 

when jaemin awoke, he realized he wasn't in his room. he was somewhere else, and it was comfortable. the bed was soft and warm. he actually saw the sunshine peek through the spot where the curtain had been brushed back a bit. jaemin liked that. he couldn't see the light from his room. appa bought blackout curtains and nailed them into the wall. jaemin couldn't glance outside if he tried. 

 

he always wondered where his room was in relation to the outside. was it in the back? front? side? and if so which one? left? right? where was the garden with all the pretty flowers appa always talked about? he really wanted to know. he wanted to know everything. 

 

in all of jaemin's curiosity, he didn't notice he wasn't alone. he almost yelped at the sight of someone else until he recognized it was appa. 

 

he must be in  _ appa's room.  _ in  _ his bed. _

 

jaemin couldn't help but stare at the sleeping man beside him. he wasn't that old, more like his father's age. he had dark brown hair and a scar that ran down the left side of his face. he was tall, almost like a mountain to jaemin. and his eyes. his eyes were jaemin's favorite. eyes are the window into the soul and jaemin felt that he could see exactly who appa really was. the person behind the conflicting image that ran wild in the home. 

 

because to jaemin, there were two appas. there was the caring side that gave him food, always paying attention that jaemin  _ loved  _ strawberry milk. the side that played checkers with him and gladly took the pictures he made for him with a fatherly smile. the man that bothered to carry the boy into his own room and let him sleep. the one who honestly loved him. the man that jaemin grew to love as well. 

 

but then, there was the side that. . . _ hurt _ him. and jaemin didn't like that appa. that side did really bad things to him. that appa was empty. he could see it through every hit. that look of utter numbness. jaemin didn't understand that. how could appa go from watching  _ snow white  _ with him to beating him black and blue in seconds? how could he. . .do  _ that  _ to him? 

 

jaemin let appa sleep. he didn't mind he had to be still as a rock or quiet as a mouse. it was rather like a game to him. jaemin wasn't sure what would await him when appa awoke, but he decided to just lay beside the male. bask in human contact. it didn't even bother jaemin that the puffs of air coming from appa tickled his neck. 

 

he just smiled. he liked this. he liked the nice appa. it was tragic thought, but jaemin was oblivious. 

 

he had given up a long time ago. he didn't think of his family anymore. occasionally, a past memory would consume him, but jaemin found them annoying. it was a  _ rule. _ what happened in the past doesn't exist. don't think about them, don't speak of them.

 

it was just him and appa. that was all. 

 

it wasn't that bad, was it? sure, punishments hurt. really bad. and jaemin was awful lonely. but he had  _ tokki _ and his tv and his coloring books and his precious sticker collection. what more could you need? 

 

appa gave him lollipops if he was good. the  _ cherry _ ones. and if he was really, really, especially good, he might get a new friend. 

 

tokki was his bestest friend, but jaemin had others too. there was honey the bear, yangyang who was a pink kitty, and a horse named minmin. they sat at his table during the day but jaemin made sure none of them felt lonely during the night. he knew how scary that was. they all got to sleep with him. he even took turns holding them so no one felt left out. 

 

he wanted a turtle next but he wasn't sure what appa would pick. he'd been on his best behavior, though. it had a been awhile since minmin joined. 

 

life was simple but it was okay. jaemin didn't mind anymore. there was nothing else he could do. 

 

ㅡ

 

jaemin had been watching the door extensively. he was  _ so  _ lonely. appa had been in 6 sleeps ago and jaemin was. . .longing. he just wanted someone to see, to talk to. 

 

of course he had his friends, but they didn't respond back. yangyang was on his eighth victory streak of staring contests and he'd played i spy until he was sick. 

 

jaemin also really needed to use the bathroom. only appa had the key to the lock on the door. he had laid down with his head on the floor, eyeing the fuzzy mat from the crack of the en suite bathroom for what seemed like hours. just imagining that he was on the other side. the burning pain in his lower stomach was killing him but he was a  _ good  _ boy, he could wait just a bit longer. appa would be back soon. 

 

he was on number 4,789 by the time he heard the thick footsteps approach his door. 

 

yes! yes!  _ yes!  _

 

jaemin scrambled to welcome the man who opened the door. he almost wanted to cry at the sight. 

 

he carried a convenience store bag and a blanket in his arms. jaemin perked up at the latter. he'd asked appa for another blanket as it was around the time that the room became freezing at night. it had taken two visits, but appa finally brought the said blanket with him. 

 

‘appa!’ the elder simply chuckled at the boy. he was in a good mood, jaemin noted. sometimes, appa stayed for awhile. other times he just came in to give jaemin his dinner and unlock the bathroom, quietly leaving without a word. 

 

jaemin was grateful that appa was rather happy. it meant good things for himself. 

 

‘bathroom?’ jaemin nodded his head rapidly. badly. within seconds, appa had grabbed his set of keys from his pocket and opened the door. jaemin rushed in to relieve himself. he came out a minute later. 

 

‘washed your hands?’ appa asked from his position leaned against the wall. he was big on germs. it was ironic but whatever. 

 

‘mhm!’ 

 

‘good. eat your dinner and then you can take a bath.’ jaemin complied, eager to calm the stinging feeling in his stomach. he rushed over to see what appa had brought him. some bibimbap. jaemin didn't waste time in delighting himself with the food. he savored his strawberry milk, though. 

 

appa just watched him. only denying when jaemin offered him a roll. otherwise, he was quiet. 

 

their time together was mostly filled with silence. appa wasn't ever one for conversation and jaemin didn't talk unless spoken to. however, jaemin still found peace within the interactions. it felt like he was on cloud nine. 

 

'done?' jaemin answered with a 'yes' as he placed his trash back into the plastic bag it came in. appa had already disappeared into the bathroom to get it ready for jaemin. 

 

jaemin wasn't allowed to bath himself after the incident, which was also why the door was constantly locked. jaemin wished he hadn't screwed that up, remnants of the once beheld privilege laughing at him when he felt pressure in his stomach and felt the grease in his hair. 

 

he wandered into the bathroom, placing tokki on the sink counter. the bath even had  _ bubbles _ . appa was in a really really good mood. 

 

jaemin threw his clothes off onto the floor, shamelessly. once he was submerged in the warm water, he let out a quiet sigh. it felt nice. what felt even better was the comforting motions of appa washing his hair, with the coconut scented shampoo. he almost fell asleep but stopped himself quickly. he only had appa for a few more minutes. 

 

'appa. . .?' jaemin finally asked after contemplating awhile, closing his eyes so the shampoo wouldn't burn them. appa started lathering some body wash to clean the dirt that had accumulated along his body a few days ago. gently wiping his cuts from his last punishment. 

 

'hmm?' 

 

'can minnie have a new friend? he's been really good.' jaemin bit his lip. appa might have been in a good mood, but he was still unpredictable. 

 

'we'll see, min.' and that was that. jaemin didn't continue the conversation. he knew it was over. but it was hopeful. appa said that about his blanket and he got it. jaemin just really wanted a turtle. he loved the one in  _ finding nemo _ . 

 

appa leaving to retrieve a towel broke jaemin from his thoughts. he carefully played with the bubbles one more time before standing up to get out. 

 

he was dried and dressed in a new pair of clothes, the shirt having a bear detail on it. he couldn't wait to tell honey about that. it was soft on jaemin's skin. he loved it. 

 

'made this for you.' jaemin handed appa his last coloring page of his favorite coloring book after appa locked the bathroom door. it was a  _ lisa frank _ one that came with the cutest stickers to add to his collection. jaemin had used the prettiest one on his picture of a purple panda bear. jaemin was  _ extra _ cautious in staying in the lines. he thought it came out great. 

 

appa smiled for a bit as he stared at the page. jaemin had even drawn misshapen red hearts along the sides. he was proud of it. appa seemed to like it.

 

'it's great.' appa lent down to place a kiss on jaemin's forehead and then he was gone. jaemin cried after his departure. it was such a short visit. appa didn't even watch a movie with him. 

 

jaemin sat in front of the door, hearing the sounds of appa locking it again. 

 

'i love you.' jaemin cried. he didn't know if appa heard him but it didn't matter. the sounds of his heavy footsteps retreating were enough for jaemin to feel like he was drowning. his skin felt hot and his heart constricted painfully. 

 

'count the steps until he comes back. he'll come back. appa always comes back. one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. . .'

 

_ appa always comes back.  _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me how it was !!! my poor baby jaemin is suffering TAT ,,, i normally don't edit so if there are any mistakes , do tell ;)

**Author's Note:**

> ok so i feel really bad because i dropped those two oneshots in september & then disappeared ??? lmao it was because my phone nor laptop would let me publish this. i literally tried 5 times and i finally just got so tired of constantly typing the tags and such that i didn't bother anymore. however, i do have some chapters pre-written :) i'll upload them as soon as possible !! anyways, it'll be a journey with this one. enjoy :)))) 
> 
> -eunji


End file.
